Strawberry Fields (and hopeless appeals) Forever

Screw Stokees, I want to work for ole 'Merica.

The first job I ever had also had the distinct honor of being the first job I was ever fired from. In the summer of seventh grade I worked for Stokee's Strawberries with my buddy Chad "Oatmeal" Plumber. We went into the job with high aspirations, schemes on how to pick the fastest, plans to break the record and be deemed Stokee's employee of the day and dreams of which Ken Griffey rookie card we would buy with our hard earned fortune. The idealism of youth. Am I old enough to write that?

The stupid Pop-Tart we split on our way there didn't hold off our hunger, and we were forced to sneak in a couple of strawberries. They split us up but unfortunately for Stokee's, not out of strawberry throwing range. We played spy shooter, the game being to hit the other person with a strawberry without the boss seeing. I've never laughed so hard in all my life. The scheme we had cooked up on our way to our first day of work did not allot for the time it would take to play spy shooter. The boss yelled out ten minutes before our first break. I looked around to see how many baskets I had filled in comparison with my new strawberry picking colleagues. I was shocked. The dude next to me had 4 times what I had easy, and the woman in the lane behind me had already moved on to the next. It's a good thing I was a quick thinker in my youth or else I would have been completely embarrassed.

Oh and speaking of completely embarrassing, remember those "16 words" Bush accidentally spoke:

"The British Government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa."

Guess who wrote those 16 words of fiction? Don't know? Well he's the same guy who wrote these words of fiction for USA Today which without question confirm the link between Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden. This quick type of quick thinking is rewarded highly in ole 'Merica. Stephen Hadley was just named National Security Advisor. He's taking over for...

Funny you should mention. Who was on duty that day in September and did they by chance get any memo's that read anything like "Bin Laden determined to attack inside the US," and which contained things like:

- An intelligence report received in May 2001 indicating that al Qaeda was trying to send operatives to the United States through Canada to carry out an attack using explosives. That information had been passed on to intelligence and law enforcement agencies.

- An allegation that al Qaeda had been considering ways to hijack American planes to win the release of operatives who had been arrested in 1998 and 1999.

- An allegation that bin Laden was set on striking the United States as early as 1997 and through early 2001.

- Intelligence suggesting that suspected al Qaeda operatives were traveling to and from the United States, were U.S. citizens, and may have had a support network in the country.

- A report that at least 70 FBI investigations were under way in 2001 regarding possible al Qaeda cells/terrorist-related operations in the United States.

National Security Advisor. National Security Advisor. Buried in that title are hints of what the job entails. Something having to do with the nation and also with its security is what I come up with after a quick glancing over, but hey I'm no intelligence agency. I miss things sometimes. I'm no expert. Like that bit about Bin Laden determined to attack inside the US, I would never have guessed that that meant that he was going to attack inside the US because he was determined to and his name was Bin Laden. In fact the first thing that came to mind was, Promotion! Let's make Condescending Rice our new Secretary of State. Hey what do I know, I'm just a spy shooter.

So I just started jamming my little baskets with green leaves and dirt and anything I could get my hands on and then I would line the tops with beautifully ripe red strawberries. I had so many full baskets that "Oatmeal" thought I was some kind of genius. "Dude, How'd you get so many?" I played it off like I didn't even notice. "Wha-what, oh that, I don't know dude, I guess I just have quick hands er somethin." We had to wait in line to be counted. When the boss got to us, she screamed and hollered at us for throwing strawberries and told us about how we were throwing money away and how she had it in her mind to not even pay us for what we had picked. Then she grabbed our strawberries and started counting. I don't think she counted even one of mine before her face turned the same color as the aforementioned fruit. It was a matter of nanoseconds before I followed suit. I was fired on the spot. No paycheck, no Griffey rookie card, and absolutely no promotion. I got fired for jammin my basket full of leaves and green strawberries. Nobody even died. You know, some people just don't get America.