Bye Bye Birdies

Well it snowed in Ithaca all day today. This makes painting the exterior of a house more like frosting a cake. I'm using a spatula. The good news is it's time to begin winter golf spending. If you are my wife, and you're reading this in the morning before work please do not pour freezing cold pickle juice into my ears while I am still sleeping. And if you are at work, you really shouldn't be spending your time angry at me.

The plan of attack is to first narrow down my purchases to the most important. I bought a 975J Titleist driver earlier in the spring. It's fantastic! It took me a couple of weeks to work out a hook and then a slice but towards the end of the season I implimented a strong shoulder turn that made all the difference. Since this shoulder turn I haven't been out drove and it's straight as can be. Nice low trajectory. I've marked a number of drives off at 285. There have been only a few that could have questionably been farther than that, so I'm not messing with my driver. I call her Maggie May. Maggie may go straight, Maggie may go right. I may not see Maggie again until May. This pains me so.

I bought a Cleveland BeCu Byron Nelson 56 degree wedge last year that I am entirely pleased with. It's a form of copper which is a softer metal. It allows for more spin. The low bounce feels comfortable and when I'm hitting ProV1's it affords me a good amount of spin from inside 50 yards. I chipped in only one time this season but it was with this club. I could use some work on my green side chips.

I inherited a Ping wedge that just happened to be exactly 50 degrees. I was in desperate need of a gap wedge. My Taylormade PW goes about 130 yards and the most I could get out of my Cleveland was 65 at best. This came towards the end of the season but from what I saw I liked it very much. It hits the ball very high in the air, with controlable spin.

I love my irons. I invested in my first new set two years ago. Taylormade 360's with the patented feel cartridge. They're great. I won't change these save for a miracle from the golf god's. You learn quickly to be very patient with these clowns.

My putting is amazingly bad. It blew my mind to be within 80 yds of the green after my drive and still end up with a seven. I could skull an approach shot, flip a flop shot putt off the green and then two putt back on. It doesn't seem possible. My brother-in-law bought me a putter last Christmas. it was a mallet putter, which I like, it was a Taylormade, which matched my set, it was center nozzled, which seemed cool at first, but all in all, it was bad news. It's a beautiful putter but putting is all about a personal fit and this just isn't it. A putter is the first thing on my agenda.

I really like the Odyssey two ball putter. They DFX came out last year and now they have a new putting line this year. I debated switch putting and buying a lefty but if I'm gonna drop a hundred bucks or so I should just get a right handed one. If I could find a Scotty Cameron putter for a good price I could be tempted to splurge, but they're tough to come by. I'm still debating between the mallet and the blade putter style. I have about six upstate NY winter months to decide.

I am also in need of a new bag. Probably Taylormade is the way to go. Their Taylite bag only weighs three pounds or something but I hit a Titleist driver and balls and I think they make a classy bag. That one is up in the air.

Also the Ping bag is the number one bag used in college and Ogio specializes in bag manufacturing so they may have been able to put a little more time into their design. I don't know.

I could use some new shoes as well. I knick-named myself Josh Clown Foot. The pair I bought five years ago are still a size and a half to big on me. I guess at the time I thought I still had some growing to do. My brothers are 6'4" and 6'1" respectively by age and my father is 6'2". I thought at twenty I still had a chance to break that 6'0" barrier. I suppose what I lack in height I make up for in spelling and typing skills.

Ladies and Gentlemen

So I'm depressed, or I was at least. Everyone feels like shit. Frieda didn't write the comment about killing everyone, Gorss is taking heat from Cornell about Bush and I'm contributing to his shit feeling by telling him he's brainwashed, the Jets lost today...TO THE BILLS!!!, my fantasy golf team ended up with a miserable 70 points and there's rumor of snow coming to Ithaca. The once fun loving, artsy, often unintelligent and unintelligible Coney Island has become a battleground state.

Last week, I thought that if I responded in a way that equaled my sadness about the election, something would change for the better. Err, oops. That was wrong. Nothing positive came from this idea, in fact just the opposite...

Gorss writes: "My brief excursion into blogdom has done nothing but raise my blood pressure. I think I'll return to reality and let you tell me in person how brainwashed I am."

This is bad news for Cap'n Pete for a couple of reasons. One, you won't meet a nicer guy than this Gorss fella. Two, he writes great posts and comments with his heart and his head combined, something that I might be unaccustomed to. Three, he wants me to tell him how brainwashed he is in person. The dude's like 6'7"! I mean, I'm quick like a cat, but my hands are typing out checks my body can't cash. I know what’s coming to me, and I probably deserve it, but it ain't stopping me from wearing a helmet to church next week.

No one's happy about the election. Republicans are being treated like they personally began the war, and the Democrats are sulking in the reality of four more years. Us Progressives are just sitting back blasting everyone cause that’s what we do best. And don't for one second think things would be an ounce better had Kerry been elected. Ain't no Republican gonna take orders from some latte 'drinkin', gay marriage 'supportin', baby 'killin' liberal and I have a pretty good feeling that I would not have acted in a mature way had Kerry won. This might be the saddest thing of all. There wasn't an option that would have healed the polarity of the country.

Well, I'm burned out. I talked to my father on the phone. I told him how sad I felt. Something about talking to Dad's when your sad brings you so close to tears. (You think nostalgically about the times he warmed your frozen feet in sixth grade after you stood on the snow drifted sidelines of Hornell's astro-turf and waited until the end of the game to get your eight required, "everybody gets to play" plays in.) He listened to me explain my frustration and embarrassment, my feelings of responsibility for Bush's re-election and my in ablitity to comprehend what the next four years might bring. He told me to stick in there. When I got home he had e-mailed me this scripture. Try not to sing the Byrds tune to it.

3:1For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
2 a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
3 a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

As I read the e-mail I remember thinking..."Oh Yeah. I forgot."

So for now, I'm done. I don't want to think about it. My wife's having a baby in five months. I just saw Mel Chin speak in Cleveland. He turned it out, and even mentioned my name during his lecture given to the Cleveland Institute of Art. My 26th birthday was on Saturday and I'm still alive. Why am I making people feel shitty? Why am I feeling shitty?

Ladies and Gentlemen! The rides at Coney Island are circling again. Step right up, see the dog faced boy, hold on there little sailor hold on, have your tickets ready, You’ll see Priscilla Bajano The monkey woman, Jo Jo the dog face boy and Milton Malone, the human skeleton. See Grace McDaniel's the mule-faced woman and she's the homeliest woman in the world. Under the Big Top tonight never before seen (And if you have a heart condition, please be warned). Don't forget to visit our sister snack site, the nicest place in the world, at The Pickle, all sales are final void where prohibited by law. You'll see Johnny Eck, the man born without a body. He walks on his hands. He has his own orchestra and is an excellent pianist. And don't forget, it's ladies' night at Harvy's Harbour Bizarre you'll see Ko Ko the bird girl, Mortando, the human fountain. Step a little closer, a little closer ladies and gentlemen and don't be shy dig deep in your pockets Ladies and gentlemen, Take Me To Coney Island! A little closer.
Ladies and gentlemen!